Living with a Heart
In which I discuss what one should do and how one should relate to extreme emotional experiences.
Yesterday, and the day before, soldiers and policemen went from house to house, telling citizens that they would have to leave their homes and communities, and that alternative shelter would be offered to them if they would just agree to leave. I won't discuss now, just how well the government prepared to take care of these people that they were kicking out of their homes. But today is the day. Today, those soldiers and policeman are going to come back to those houses, and forcibly remove any citizen from the premises if he did not leave on his own accord. It is a terrible day for me. Both because I love these people and identify with them, and because I am horrified and disappointed by the state of which I am a part. I was barely able to go to sleep last night. For hours I listened to reports on the radio, and then I would turn on the TV for a while and watch the pictures of confrontations between the youth and the police, and when they went on to something else, I would go back to listening to the radio. It was a hot night. I had to wipe the sweat occasionally from my arms and forehead. I smoked more cigarettes than I would care to under normal circumstances, and drank a modest amount of Johnnie Walker Black Label. I had finished the bottle of Jack Daniels the day before. It wasn't a day that was absolutely bad. A grand daughter was born to me yesterday. But I can't say that it made me happy. I was too unhappy because of what is going down at Gush Katif. At 1:00 in the morning, worn out and tired, after considering the possibility of taking a video out of the Videomat down the street, I decided on trying to go to sleep. Left the fan on. Put a disc of Bach suites for solo cello on the music machine, and lay down…. Amazingly, I fell asleep.
This morning, after getting up, and going through the normal rituals of preparing myself for another day in this world, I listened to the radio reports. Everyone is holding tight with bated breath, waiting for what will happen. And I asked myself, "What should I do?"
You know, religious Jews sometimes ask themselves, which is the hardest precept of the Torah; which is the commandment that is hardest to perform? The best answer that I ever heard was the commandment to be happy on the holiday of tabernacles, or Succoth, as it is called in Hebrew. They say, it's not so hard to be unhappy on Tisha B'Av (which was two days ago), because then you're fasting and thinking of the destruction of the holy temple, and the expulsion from Spain, and what it was like for Jews to be in the Diaspora for two thousand years, moving from one place to another when things got uncomfortable in one place, or looked more promising in the other. All the terrible things that happened to our brothers and sisters… it's not that hard to be unhappy when you think of all that. But to be happy on a particular day just because it is a mitzvah, a religious precept, that is difficult. What if your girlfriend just left you? What if you just lost your job? It's not that easy to be happy just because you're supposed to. But part of the religious consciousness is the ability to control your emotions, and to mourn on the mourning days, and to be happy on the holiday of Succoth.
We've all been told, at times, that "the show must go on". You have to keep on living, and things like that. Here I am, in my own comfortable room in Jerusalem, with a very scenic view of part of the neighborhood and of the hills of Benjamin from my window. The die has been cast. There is nothing more that I can do for my friends in Gush Katif. What can I do? And what should I do? I've already fasted this week. There's a limit to how much punishment my body can take (as I discovered a year ago, but that's another story). What should I do?
Well, I don't believe in 'the show must go on'. I believe in living life awake. You can always take a tranquilizer when you get too agitated. You can go to sleep when you're depressed. You can sleep your way through all of life. But what's the point of that. We were unaware for centuries before we were born, and our lives are a temporary sojourn in this world, after which we will no longer be part of the action. I believe that while we are here, we have to fly to the heights when we're up, and plunge to the depths when we're down, and be aware, aware as we can, as long as we are alive. Yes, we all need sleep occasionally, to recharge the batteries, and rest for the weary, but I believe that there is nothing better than living and experiencing. And so today, I will be unhappy, and tense, and worried for my brothers. I will ache for them. I will cry for them. I won't distract myself with work, or things I should have done for some time now. I won't 'think about something else'. I will live the moment and suffer.
17.8.06
